Today was just beautiful… Whether my mood was different because of that, or whether I noticed it because my mood had changed, I don’t know… I only know that I’ve felt different all day… The sky has been brilliant blue… There was a frost this morning, which made everything sparkle first thing…
Here’s the letter I wrote to my Dad just before both parents were taken into hospital – bearing in mind he was refusing to go into hospital, and I rather naively believed that if he did, they’d help him… There was no diagnosis of cancer at that time. No diagnosis of anything, and I suspected it was something which could be “fixed”…..:
Dear Dad,
Right now I’ve only got one wish and as always you’re the only one who can make it come true. I want you to get better! I don’t want to lose you just yet… However, I respect you enough to trust you to know your own mind, and that’s so very hard because I’ve always relied on you, and you’ve always been there for me, and I cant bear to think that one day you won’t be there for me.
I want to say so many things when I visit but I never do, because I still can’t accept that this is when I need to say it. That there wont be 1,000 more tomorrows when I can say these things. So, on the way home today I decided I’d write to you instead because that way I can say everything I want to say.
Such as – you really ARE the very BEST DAD that ever walked the earth (and Mum is the very BEST MUM that ever walked the earth – but this is your letter).
If I don’t look/seem upset when I visit you it is NOT because I don’t care, but because you both brought me up so well. You have made me strong and capable, and being upset when I visit you isn’t going to help anybody, so I just try to stay in control.
Everything I am is because of the childhood you both gave me…
Everything I have is down to the two of you, and your love, your generosity, your wisdom…
You have both been there every step of the way and no-one could wish for better parents.
*Christmas was always magical – I have so many wonderful images in my head of all those special Christmasses you made for me….
* Our holidays were so ahead of the times and so exciting – it’s your “fault” I love Europe so much!
* You always ate my “experiments” in the kitchen, when I wanted to bake but we only had flour and water (or some such) you still ate whatever I made, smiling and encouraging…
*You taught me to drive, and you know how much I love driving…
You both gave me the confidence I needed to be who I am, and the freedom to choose the life I wanted and I am so grateful to you, every single day.
I’ve always relied on you, talked things through with you… You’ve helped me make so many decisions as I’ve gone through my life, even if they’re not necessarily the same decisions you’d make – you’ve allowed me to make them, and have always supported me.
I rely on you so very much, and don’t know what I’m going to do when I can’t ask your opinion anymore, but I will manage because YOU have made me strong, and capable.
I believe in some sort of life after death – not like Mum does, but I believe there is something, and I know I will hug you again and again in the future – if I didn’t believe this I really couldn’t cope.
You taught me never, ever to argue unless I know 100% I am right. I believe you should go into hospital and let them try and treat you, but you also don’t argue unless you know you’re right, and so if you genuinely believe that going into hospital isn’t right for you, then I have to accept that, however hard it is. I love and respect you so much.
So…. My wish? If it can’t be to have you better it has to be this… You said your Dad told you about the tunnel of light you see just before you die. If you think you can see the tunnel, please tell me, send for me, so I can be with you to see it too. So I can hold your hand, the way you’ve always held mine. And if the worst thing happens, and you don’t get chance to share that light with me, please, please know that I’m there with you, in your heart, holding your hand.
“Life and death are illusions. We are in a constant state of transformation.”
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu