Email to undertaker, 18th December 2014:
You might think this odd but I’d really like 2 or 3 photos of the funeral. I took a picture of Dad after he died and I’m glad I did because otherwise I wouldn’t believe it… I did the same with Mum…
I was wondering if it was something I could ask one of the undertakers to do for me, please? I’m assuming they’ll be at the back of the chapel perhaps? Just a couple of snaps with an iPhone or my little digital camera… I don’t really know who else I could ask.
What do you think?
Reply from undertaker… 10.49, 18th December 2014:
Yes I understand totally your reasons why you would like a photograph . We can most certainly do that for you on the day of the funeral. I will speak too our funeral director and I know she will be happy to accommodate your wishes. Your auntie rang me yesterday and will be calling in sometime today. Email or ring should you need anything at all. Mum and dad in the chapel of rest now together. They are dressed and tidy. If you want a photo of them in our chapel then let me know.
My reply to the undertaker:
Thank you… If there’s an angle that shows them together but NOT looking inside the coffins I’d absolutely love one.. I want to hold my last memories of their faces in my head you see, but if it’s at all possible to take one showing the coffins together it would be lovely.
Thank you for all you’re doing…
Why had my Auntie called in at the Undertakers? Ha! Can you believe this…? Because I lived in a different county – county, not country – the fee for buying the plot for my parents, charged by the local Council, was going to be much, much higher than if I were a City resident. The “Fees and Charges for Bereavement Care Service” states:
A “city resident” is a person who is registered as living at an address for which council tax is payable to the City.
Current charges (2016) for a City Resident is £1140, for a Non-City Resident, £3420. That is a difference of £2,280. (The charges in 2014 when they were buried, were very similar, with a City Resident paying £1,115).
Incredible! What did they want me to do? Put their bodies in the boot of the car or on the back seat and drive to Gloucestershire to bury them there?! This sickens me, to this day. Apart from ethical side of this – or lack of it – my parents had lived in the city all their lives. A total of 160 years… But now they were dead, the Council would not allow them to be buried there without charging me, their daughter, a premium. In fact, it was their Estate, via the Solicitor, which was footing the bill. So I still see no reason (apart from greed) why the surcharge would be charged. Their Council Tax payments were up-to-date, if it really came down to that… Further, I was about to inherit their flat, to pay all outstanding utilities etc, but still this did not sway them. The surcharge would have to be paid unless a City Resident bought the plot. So, although it seemed – still seems – incredibly wrong because they were MY parents, MY responsibility and I should purchase the grave directly… I asked my Auntie to purchase it instead, to be the registered owner, and of course she agreed immediately; I know my parents would be furious if I had paid the extra money, which they had worked so hard for all their lives. It meant that when I wanted to purchase a headstone, that request had to come from my Auntie, too. She can pass the grave on to me in three years, so one year from now – the 2016 cost is £130 for a City resident, £260 for a Non-City Resident…..
You would think that a department which has the audacity to call itself “Bereavement Care” might deal with these things in a human way. I know I’ve no idea of how busy they are, or what exactly their job involves. I’m sure there is more to it than you’d think… I would guess, though, that they’re unlikely to be as busy as some of the wonderful Council employees I’d met while my parents were ill and in hospital… The carers, nurses, doctors, porters and ambulance drivers, most of whom showed such sensitivity, patience and compassion… So, in personally signing two identical letters sent out to my Auntie – one concerning my father, the other my mother – you’d think the “Lifetime Services Officer” might show just a little compassion, some humanity, and realise that this woman was burying two people… That he would somehow acknowledge that it was to be a joint burial, and make a personal comment above and beyond the necessary formalities in the two letters sent out to her… Of course not. Yes, death is a natural occurrence; it happens every day and that department deals with it every day. However, I still feel there must be a better way to communicate with people… From my point of view, I had lost the two people who loved me most. The two people who loved my unconditionally. I had been thrown into a new world of registrars, undertakers, obituaries and cemeteries… A world where the two people I’d normally turn to for advice and sympathy were no longer there to offer it. Always capable and independent, I was surviving the paperwork, managing the organisation, but I needed a little compassion from people, and “Bereavement Care” offered neither compassion nor, to my eyes, logic.
“If you have ever lost a loved one, then you know exactly how it feels. And if you have not, then you cannot possibly imagine it.” Lemony Snicket