Email sent to a friend from work, 19th December 2010:
“Just a very short email to share my wonderful news… I’m in Italy but I’ve just spoken to my parents. The specialist Mum saw last week says the lump in her throat isn’t cancer after all!! Since Oct we have been told it is… They still don’t know what it is, nor how it can be treated, but I can’t think of many things worse than inoperable throat cancer, so I’m feeling incredibly happy!!
Hope whatever you have planned for Christmas goes ahead despite the awful sounding weather there.
Please say hello to your family for me.”
Reply to an email from a different friend from work, December 19th 2014:
“It’s good to hear from you… I’ve felt quite isolated because John didn’t finish work until Friday, though I’ve also been busy because I was barely at home this last month. It’s odd how things still build up, that need sorting out and dealing with. Plus of course Christmas… I love this time of year and am determined to still do nice Christmassy things…
The funeral is on 30th, and is now (I hope) all organised. It feels sort of ok not to rush it, and was the earliest we could get anyway, but I’m also a bit concerned about it all being “unfinished business”. I saw Dad shortly after he died and was with Mum when she died so I’ve declined visiting the Chapel of Rest to see them one last time because I don’t want to see them looking different – with make up etc. But, now I know their coffins are lying side by side there I’m wondering if I should ask to see them… Once the funeral is over I can at least stop thinking about that sort of thing. My birthday is early in January – my 50th! – and I almost delayed the funeral until then so I could still spend it with them… I thought their joint funeral on my 50th birthday might be quite nice – at least novel – but even the lovely female undertaker seemed to think that a bit odd, so I didn’t pursue it. Now, I keep wondering if I should have insisted, since they’ve been embalmed. Nothing feels real – I feel as if I’m living in a dream world..
On a lighter note… I’m assuming you can keep a secret?! I mean, if you bump into anyone at/from work, not to tell them… John asked me to marry him, in the midst of all the awfulness of the last few weeks. It feels really special, and slightly takes the edge off the knowledge that I’m totally alone now- no siblings, no children.. Tomorrow, we are going to Bath to choose a ring; I’ve been wearing Mum’s temporarily, but it’s not the right size and I’m scared of losing it. I had a jeweller look at it the other day – I’d intended on keeping it on, on my right hand – but when he examined it he said the diamonds needed re-fixing and I’m scared of losing them until that’s done. It’s been so nice, wearing something Dad chose and which Mum wore for 60 years…
I hope you’re enjoying this time leading up to Christmas. Thank you for all your support and kind words in recent weeks.”
Obituary in the local newspaper:
“Alan, aged 79 years passed away peacefully after a short illness, on December 4th 2014 with his dearly loved wife by his side. Mary, aged 81 years also passed away peacefully on 12th December 2014 after a short illness. Funeral to take place on Tuesday December 30th at 11am. Will relatives and friends please meet at the church, disperse at the cemetery. ”
My mother had specifically requested that mourners do NOT wear black… The undertakers took it upon themselves to interpret this as a request for “colourful attire” to be worn… I’m not quite sure what lead them to think this was an appropriate request when in every other way they had been superb.
In my mind…
In between putting up Christmas decorations, emailing friends and planning a Christmas Day menu – I was determined to make Christmas special – I was obsessed with researching pancreatic and oesophageal cancer, cachexia and the particular ways in which the death of parents affects only child adults.
Also, these facts:
Dad’s eldest brother (aged 84 years) died on 13th December 2012 and his funeral was on 28th December. Dad’s other elder brother (aged 74 years) died on 13th December 2006 and his funeral was on the 22nd December. Their mother died just before Christmas and was buried between Christmas and New Year.
“No matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away.”
― Haruki Murakami