We drove to my parents’ flat from the country pub hotel… It was early, quiet, foggy and VERY cold… There was snow on the ground… The countryside looked beautiful. My heart was thumping. I felt numb.
The florist had forgotten the rose petals… A little drama while delivery was arranged; something to occupy my mind for a few minutes. At my parents’ flat it dawned on me that I was hosting this funeral… My fiancé’s parents and brother arrived… I tried to behave naturally, but there was no milk to make tea… No heating on, so coats were not removed. Polite conversation… My Dad’s brother and wife arrived with…..my cousin…the dear, dear cousin I hadn’t seen for about 37 years, since my grandma died… To have her re-appear in my life on such a day was close to miraculous… She had the same quiet, calm voice, the same beauty, stillness… I couldn’t stop smiling, couldn’t stop looking at her… I gave my Uncle Dad’s ring, the one Mum had asked me to put on one side to give to him… Then the Undertakers arrived, and my Mum’s sister and husband, and their grand daughter… It was time to go…
I wasn’t sure my legs would work but knew I wanted my parents to be proud of me… I went down to the hearse, to look at the coffins, to look at the stunning flowers piled on top on them. I took a photo… I hate being the centre of attention… I didn’t know the “Chief Mourners” had to walk in, like when you walk down the aisle when you get married until a few days before. I was nervous, but determined. The few people outside the chapel – my cousin and her husband, and a few people I didn’t know – looked solemn… I smiled, to reassure them. The Minister came to speak to me, to explain a few things. She hugged me… I was calm and I was controlled and yet I was terrified, but knowing the cousin I hadn’t seen for so long, was here, gave me a little strength…
We walked in and one of the first people I saw was my oldest, dearest friend who had driven for 4 hours, on her own, to be there to support me. Amongst the solemn faces I spotted her… I smiled and she smiled back, and I felt stronger… I turned the corner, walking down the main aisle now… Just as I got to my seat on the right, I saw my other friend and her husband, sitting close to the front, directly behind where I was to sit… Again, I felt strengthened by their presence. The service began… The coffins arrived and were placed side by side at the front of the little chapel. The roses might well have been an unintentional extravagance but looking at them, focusing on their beauty, got me through… Every time I felt my heart thudding, my eyes welling up with tears, I looked at the velvety flowers, and managed to smile…
The first hymn, which Dad had chosen, was never a favourite of mine, but it is now… I sang my heart out… I sang loudly, clearly, intending my parents to hear me, to pick out my voice… Everyone sang at the top of their voices; my parents would have loved it! The words were perfect, for my state of mind:
O Lord my God! When I in awesome wonder Consider all the works Thy hand hath made, I see the stars, I hear the mighty thunder, Thy power throughout the universe displayed: Then sings my soul, my Saviour God to Thee, How great Thou art! How great Thou art! When through the woods and forest glades I wander, and hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees; When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur, and hear the brook, and feel the gentle breeze. And when I think that God his Son not sparing, sent Him to die – I scarce can take it in. That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing, he bled and died to take away my sin. When Christ shall come with shout of acclamation, and take me home – what joy shall fill my heart! Then shall I bow in humble adoration, and there proclaim, my God how great Thou art.
The second hymn was Mum’s choice and has long been a favourite of mine. Strangely, I’d always believed – am sure she told me – that she would have “Abide with Me” at her funeral, and for years I had sang it “knowing” that one day I would be standing there, by her coffin, singing that song…I used to wonder how I would get through that service… How I actually got through it all was by singing as well as I could; singing directly to – for – my parents. The words comforted me – did Mum choose it because she knew I loved it, and knew it would comfort me?
What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear! What a privilege to carry, Everything to God in prayer! O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, all because we do not carry, Everything to God in prayer! Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere? We should never be discouraged: Take it to the Lord in prayer. Can we find a friend so faithful, Who will all our sorrows share? Jesus knows our every weakness: Take it to the Lord in prayer. Are we weak and heavy-laden, cumbered with a load of care? Precious Saviour, still our refuge: Take it to the Lord in prayer; do thy friends despise, forsake thee? Take it to the Lord in prayer.In His arms He’ll take and shield thee. Thou wilt find a solace there.
The Minister’s message began: This is such a special and rare occasion – for both husband and wife to be walking into heaven together. A lot of older people, married for many years, have heard of today and said , ‘Oh how wonderful for them – (which it is!)- but how desperately sad for the daughter and family’ (which is very true). Our thoughts and prayers go to the whole family and especially to their daughter and her fiancé. Today is a time of deep sadness for the loss of two special and remarkably devoted people who will be greatly missed by all those who love them dearly. But today is also a time of deep thankfulness that you have shared their lives; that they had each other for over 59 years; and for all the good and rich memories which they leave behind.
Her message ended: And, as they loved all their lives, so they go on loving and in a great and glorious moment they step from this world into the next where there is dancing and brightness, hope and beauty in Christ for ever and ever. One day, we believe, when it is our turn to take that long journey, we shall find our loved ones waiting for us – and then what rejoicing there will be around the throne of grace. Until that time comes, thanks be to God for the lives of Alan and Mary – as they were together in life, now they are together in love and light for all eternity. God bless them and keep them safe forevermore. Amen
The last hymn, which they both chose, was The Lord is my Shepherd: The Lord’s my Shepherd, I’ll not want, He makes me down to lie, in pastures green he leadeth me the quiet waters by. My soul he doth restore again, and me to walk doth make, within the paths of righteousness, e’en for his own name’s sake. Yea, though I walk in death’s dark vale, yet will I fear no ill; for thou art with me, and thy rod and staff me comfort still. My table Thou hast furnished in presence of my foes; my head Thou dost with oil anoint, and my cup overflows. Goodness and mercy all my life shall surely follow me, and in God’s house for evermore my dwelling-place shall be.
Beautiful, comforting words…
We walked out of the chapel to Nat King Cole singing “Walking My Baby back home” – I linked arms with my Uncle, my Dad’s brother, and we walked in time to the music, smiling…
At the cemetery, it was bitter cold… Snow still on the ground, but blue, blue skies. I was still smiling, still hosting this day, still speaking to these kind people who remembered my parents – me – and whom I did not recognise. I was overwhelmed by the comments, the memories they shared with me, and felt almost elated at the beauty – 0f the perfection – of the day. For so many years, I’d avoided Dad’s Funeral Box, yet here I was, fulfilling their every wish….but they were not there to see how well it went…they were not there to see… The first time in my life they haven’t been there for a special occasion… THE most sacred, most special occasion, and they weren’t there; I was without them… And yet… And yet, I FELT them there. So clearly. How else could I have got through it with such composure?
After the burial, people drifted away… We briefly returned to their flat, then drove home, arriving late afternoon before it was dark… In the evening I reflected on the day:
Email to a friend, 30th December 2014:
Hello,
I’m just back from my parents’ funeral. It was truly beautiful. A small Methodist chapel filled with singing and with people who remembered them in their younger days. I saw people I’ve not seen since I was a child, and re-connected with my cousin which was so, so good. The dark red roses piled high on each coffin – the flowers they had at their wedding – were stunning. It’s a perfect winter’s day here – blue sky, snow on the ground, and the cemetery was at its best. I felt their presence and Gods’s, and believe they approved. John’s parents and brother came, my friend from Macclesfield and my friend from Norwich, and I know you were with me in spirit and I really appreciate that.
Love B xx
Email to another friend, 30th December 2014:
Just a quick hello really… I hope you’re having a good holiday – mine is ok, considering. I think it helps that I don’t generally spend Christmas with my parents, but getting used to no texts/phone calls is terrible. I’m writing because I thought of you today, at the funeral. You know I love to hear you sing, and it was a good old-fashioned Methodist service with far more people there than I’d expected. We sang “How Great Thou Art”, “What a Friend”, and “The Lord’s my Shepherd” and the singing was amazing… Remember I told you about Sunday lunch when I was growing up? My parents singing as they prepared the meal, and Rock n Rolling mid-cooking?! Well, I’d talked to the Minister about their life and she brought this scene to life beautifully, as if she’d been there herself! It was an incredibly difficult day, but it was absolutely perfect in every way. The coffins were piled high with stunning deep red velvet roses, which Mum had at her wedding. The sky was blue, there was snow… Truly beautiful.
I’m hoping now I can properly grieve for them. It’s been coming in fits and starts, what with Christmas, organising things etc. I still don’t feel as if it’s real. I want to ring them up and tell them about the day… I cannot believe I will never see them again… Not in this life. That’s impossible to take in. I’m hoping I can rest a bit more now. I’ve been restless and am so, so tired. I think the trauma of the 3-4 weeks leading up to Mum’s death was as hard as the actual deaths. I was so alone, dealing with it, and playing go-between, working out exactly what to say to Mum about Dad, Dad about Mum, what to ask/say to the Doctors etc. It was unbelievably hard and I think I’m still on some sort of adrenaline high (not high, but hopefully you know what I mean) and somehow need to relax into normal life, such that it is. Sleeping would be a start!
Anyway, I wanted to write to you because “talking” helps – expressing, or trying to express, even a few of the emotions in my head helps just a little with this overwhelming sense of loss. Please don’t feel you need to reply! See you soon…
B xx
Email to my cousin, 30th December 2014:
Hello,
I’m planning to write properly (ie, real mail!) to a few people, you included, to thank them for their part in today. I am overwhelmed by how perfect it all was, and you most certainly played a part. You read the poem beautifully – I can’t thank you enough and I know Mum would have loved it; I believe that somehow, she heard/saw it all, that they both did.
I’ve a bit of a daft question… Do you/does your Mum know how long the flowers will be left on the grave? I want to take a photo of them while they still look fresh and as gorgeous as they did today, but I can’t get back up until next week, really. I’ve felt as if I’m coming down with flu of something for over a week and think that now today’s over it might take hold… But, I want to see the grave, properly, on my own, and to take a couple of photographs and would like to do that with the roses in place. How I wish I’d thought of it today – we could have driven back on our way home to take a couple of photos. I thought the roses were sensational! Also – do you know if they put something temporary on the grave, to mark it? Another thing I need to do next week is to order the headstone because I don’t want their grave to be unmarked – it is in a lovely spot.
Again – thank you for all you’ve done.
Love B xxx
Parting words, at the graveside, from the Minister:
“And now Mary and Alan –Into the freedom of wind and sunshine, we let you goInto the dance of the stars and the planets, we let you goInto the wind’s breath and the hands of the star maker, we let you go.We love youWe miss youWe want you to be happyGo safelyGo dancingGo running home to God.And the blessing of God, Creator, Redeemer and Sustainerremain with you and all who love you now and for all eternity,Amen.”They are fabulous words giventhe immensity of the universe and the souls part in it all so I hope you will be able to think of your mum and dad dancing their way through the heavens, wrapped in love for each other, their families, and especially for you.God bless and sustain you