On 6th March I ran 5km for the first time… It wasn’t easy, and I most definitely took it s-l-o-w…but I made it…..! Since then, I’ve done it three times, the last time in just over 36 minutes, which I’m rather proud of – I AM still new to running, after all…
What is remarkable, I think, is the way my true self appears to have re-surfaced, somehow, in the last 3 months since the start of 2017. I had forgotten what it felt like, to feel like me. I thought that was it, for the rest of my life… I feel like Sleeping Beauty (without the beauty) who has woken up to life after a long, long period of some other existence. Who feels sharply aware of everything again. Who is awake during the day and – what a blessing! – asleep at night… For years, real sleep has been elusive for me, but lately I have been sleeping – deeply, satisfyingly – 6-7 hours every night.
Unfortunately, I’ve woken up to the fact that while I wasn’t feeling myself I made a few rash decisions – resigning and moving to France without a plan of action was risky to say the least! Still, here we are, surviving – more than surviving – and learning so that the next move – and there MUST, imminently – BE a next move – I’ve a clearer idea of what we should be doing.
Creativity has continued alongside the running… Creating new projects, teaching people new to sewing, designing (and making then wearing) clothing to suit this new me… The me who has sat in a hospice room, silently watching her Mother fade away… The me who has chatted to her Mother about when she met my Father, while my Father’s body lay there, next to both of us, dead but not yet cold… The me who thought she had cancer and was bleeding so badly she had to go to A&E while on holiday in Italy… The me who has always been afraid of hospitals but who – when I had to have a General Anaesthetic – was only worried that while I was under my Mum would be unable to contact me… The me who resigned with no job to go to, who moved to a country she’d never particularly liked, the me who is successfully establishing a business here…and who runs on alternate days, come rain or shine…
What I’ve learned in the past few weeks is this: I’m not old, and my mind IS still strong… I’d always thought my mind was pretty strong and I always secretly suspected I’d live forever, but events of the last couple of years have of course taught me otherwise… In January I was feeling defeated, mentally, physically, and…spiritually. I couldn’t see pleasure in anything much anymore. I wasn’t lazy but I was always, always tired. Then somehow I found a chink of strength somewhere in the depths of the defeated me, and dragged myself out running in the bitter cold mornings…and here I am 2.5 months later and I can run 5km… and despite the sheer exhaustion, I love it. I love that while I’m running I can listen to music and not feel I should be doing something…it’s such a luxury… I love the way my mind can basically shut off and not think… For someone who has a mind which usually never stops chattering, this is truly amazing.
“Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country.”
Anais Nin