Letter to a close friend:
Yesterday I had a mini meltdown. I’ve worked flat out for weeks, waking in the early hours researching/planning, working through most evenings. Then I stopped, and it just hit me… I barely have anyone at all in the UK. Hardly anyone knows me… And it’s a really weird feeling to be going “home” – to my birth country – feeling this way. You see, I was a mess when we arrived here in France – my own illness, my parents’ deaths, the stress of my job, had all chipped away at me. But, right now I feel amazing… The running is so good for my mental and physical health, and my body feels toned and strong… Having the space and time to be creative again has really helped me feel like me again. And I’m a creature of habit and I like my routine and I obsess about control – I know! – and I’m in control of my life here in this little world I’ve created and I’m not sure how to face the UK… I feel like an agoraphobic must feel at the thought of going outside… And, you know, silly as it sounds, it’s as if I thought my parents were still there, somewhere, in their flat, even though I know they’re dead… But it has somehow not felt quite so final as I know it is…and GOING to the UK and NOT seeing them – well – how will that be?! How can I? They were alive and then they died, and I left 6 -8 months later, and there was so much going on in those 6-8 months – probate, selling their flat, clearing their flat, selling our house, getting Pippa, getting engaged and married….. But now I’ve got to go back to a country that feels almost foreign… more foreign even than France, certainly more foreign than Italy – knowing they’re NOWHERE . Does this sound ridiculous? Anyway, yesterday I had a total meltdown and I’m still not sure if I can go through with this holiday…
Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear.”
-George Addair