On Friday (21 Nov) I drove to work. I’ve no idea why I was so determined to go in. Maybe it was self-preservation. Clinging to normality. Before I left the house, I sent an email to two of my colleagues:
“I emailed my tutees last night and said I’d be in today. I am coming in, but I don’t think I can bear facing the pre Chapel busy-ness without dissolving. I’ve managed to hold it together all week but am falling apart.
T: can you please send someone to get my tutees and register them? I’m so sorry. I will sort something out today. I’ve asked to speak with someone in SMT p2/3 when I’m free. Both parents are in hospital – see end of email.
H: please let whoever is covering p1 cover it. I delivered a poor U6th lesson on Mon because of how I was feeling- it’s unfair to them to do that again. Everything was prepared, as usual, except my mind, I suppose. I will take over part way through.
Currently: Mum’s throat cancer high in throat. Can’t eat, even drink water. It’s hampering her breathing. Nose/stomach tube for nutrients. Dad in a different building on hospital site. As far away as another planet. Wasting away to nothing. Adamant he is going home soon. Never spent a day apart in 60 years and when they need each other most they are separated. I’ve no brothers/sisters. Just me.
My dizziness has returned so its clearly stress after all. I’m feeling very odd and detached from everyone else, and as if I’m watching my own life. I keep catching my breath, feel light headed and feel as if I’m going to topple over. I know I need to just get on with it and while I’m dealing with it all I somehow manage but it’s when I’m then away from if that my body relaxes and I feel this way.
So sorry to ask more of you both.”
As I drove in my phone bleeped and I started to panic. What had happened? I pulled over, and read a simple message from Mum: Good morning moved to bed 37 xxxx
The relief! She wasn’t texting to say Dad had died. Someone else wasn’t texting from her mobile, to tell me to ring them…to tell me she had died… I realised just then what a mess I was, so jumpy, so certain that both of those things were likely. I replied, and we swapped a couple more texts:
Me: Lovely to hear from you! What ward is that? We are coming tomorrow and Sunday but if you want me earlier text. Love you so much xxxx
Mum: Same ward what about henry love you too xxxx
Me: He was so pleased to see me! We curled up together last night. He will be fine- friends will pop in to feed. X
Mum: Good xxxx
I continued the drive to work, but I was a mess and couldn’t teach. I could barely stop crying – as soon as I saw my colleagues, their kindness, their concern, I dissolved. It’s one thing keeping yourself together, strong, in front of aged, ill parents, in front of doctors, nurses, carers… It’s another keeping it together when you’re on familiar territory, safe ground. As it was, I didn’t teach. I met with the Head who was supportive and understanding, and who told me to be guided by how I felt. if I could teach, teach, but not to force myself. My dilemma – did I take time off to be with them? – was spinning around in my head. I lived/worked a good 2 hour drive away from my parents’ home, from the hospital. If I took time off to be with them, how long was acceptable? I couldn’t just stay away from work indefinitely…
Still, that day, I was traumatised because it was all so unexpected, this turn of events. Even when just 5 days before I was preparing myself for Dad dying, I hadn’t expected Mum to deteriorate… I’d been talking with my partner about afterwards… After Dad died – it felt like a betrayal saying it – that Mum might need to come and live with us… yet knowing she would prefer to be somewhere familiar, close to her sister… All those thoughts were in my mind at the same time. The future, the practicalities of it all… How do you know when it’s time? Time to forget “normal” life and to devote every minute to being with your parents? Work can wait. Your life can wait. They can’t.
“Most of us spend too much time on what is urgent and not enough time on what is important.”
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