Where have those 4 years gone? How can it be 4 years since my world collapsed? How can things still feel so raw? Yes, I’m living and I’m happy, and I’m “getting on” with my life. I’ve got plans and ideas for my future, and perhaps knowing how it can all end, so suddenly, drives me forwards to wring everything I can out of each day… Certainly, I rarely give myself time to relax, to sit and think, to “be”. Am I still scared of doing that? I don’t think so – but can I be sure? I keep busy because I’m trying to create a future, to build a business, to generate enough money to pay the bills, NOT because I can’t face sitting quietly and thinking. In my “non-working” time, I often still work – coming up with ideas and plans, searching properties in readiness for our next move… When I’m not doing that, I read, but I only allow myself that luxury late at night, first thing in the morning, or in the small hours when I can’t sleep. I rarely read between 8am and 9.30pm.
Wednesday 19 Nov (2014) 20.44 – reply to a kind, supportive text message from my boss: “THANK you… Not long back from hospital – am in their flat. Both now admitted. Dad not happy about that but no alternative. Mum is ill- throat cancer grown (or moved?)-can’t swallow anything (eg water) today & also may have spread to lungs. I can’t bear that they’re apart, both are so upset about it. Need to visit them tomorrow to see how they are. Need to try to come in on Fri- I don’t know what’s going to happen next. Was certain Dad was about to die – he may well do – but things are not straightforward. I thought the time off this week would be “it”.. Final. How naive I am. Thank you so much for reassuring me- I really, really appreciate it and my parents do.
His kind reply” Don’t panic about being back Friday, better to spend the time with them!”
It’s times like this, as they say, that you find out the true character of people. My boss and I hadn’t always seen eye to eye. Worse, in fact – we’d not particularly got on. However, at this point in my life, when I needed reassurance about my work, reassurance that I was making the right decisions, he gave me that reassurance. It’s obvious, of course, looking back now that there was no other decision I could have made. If I’d lost my job, then that would have been inconsequential; my parents needed me and I needed to be with them – wanted to be with them- and conscientious or not, work was irrelevant.
On the Thursday, after visiting them both briefly in hospital, I drove home. I’m not sure why now, looking back, but of course I didn’t know then that they were both dying, and both seemed stable. I needed clothes – I’d driven straight to their flat whilst on my way to work on the Tuesday morning. Later that day (20/11/14), I swapped a few texts with Mum. It’s odd – they’re still on my phone – I only realised the other day. Despite now having a different number, a French SIM card, they’re still there and I can read them. Since I realised, I have a feeling of panic at the thought of losing my phone, of losing her texts forever. So, the texts swapped with Mum:
Mum: Moving to next door
Me: Which ward is next door? How do you feel? Love xxxx
Mum: Same ward bed 29 womans side still amu xxxx
Me: Oh, ok…! How do you feel? Did you manage to sleep? Just got back to see Henry xxxx
Mum: Am ok a bit sore in throat xxxx
Me: I’m not surprised! You’re so brave… Lots of love, and a kiss from Henry xxxx
(Henry was my gorgeous black cat, whom Mum adored!).
Typical Mum – “a bit sore in throat”… They’d tried to insert a stent, to keep her throat open, so she could eat and drink, but it couldn’t be done because the cancer was too high in her throat.
So, inevitably, later in the evening:
Me: Hello.. Are you settled into your new ward? Are you doing ok? xxxx
Mum: Yes being fed through tube xxxx camt take any more texts xx
Little did I know – did she? – that that was it… She would never swallow food or drink again.
I messaged my boss:
Hi.. Back home now. Visited both today & both looked much worse esp Mum who had just had mini op which had failed so is being fed thro nose/tube & breathing was terrible.. Am exhausted & distraught but things aren’t going to get any better any time soon so hoping to come in tomorrow, but will leave cover just in case I get called back.
I am a strong person, but every now and then I also need someone to take my hand and sayeverything will be okay. (Anon.)